


re: The Hookup Theory

by bakerloo



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Office, F/F, Getting Together, Humor, Texting, verging on crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28669386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakerloo/pseuds/bakerloo
Summary: Fatin: I smell serious UST between Toni and ShelbyLeah: Yeah, I’m sure you doFatin: what are you implying ;))Nora: I think you mixed up UTI and UST.Nora: UST means unresolved sexual tension Leah.Fatin: HAHAHAHAFatin: I’d be hurt if u got it RIGHT bitch hahahahaFatin: but leezy-peez i'm down for UST or a UTI from u anyday babygirlDot: Are we sure Fatin’s not the gay one hereor, the whole office tries to hook up Toni and Shelby.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 56
Kudos: 527
Collections: Finishedstoriesmine





	re: The Hookup Theory

**From** : Gretchen Klein

 **To** : Design Department <Fatin Jadmani, Dorothy Campbell, Martha Blackburn, Rachel Reid, Shelby Goodkind, Nora Reid, Toni Shalifoe, Leah Rilke, Jeanette Dao>

> Dear all,
> 
> I noticed that yesterday after everyone went home the break room was left in a terrible mess. We pay the cleaner to wipe down desks and computers, not pick up after your messes.
> 
> Gentle reminder that the reason I predominantly hire women is to prevent this thing from happening.
> 
> Thank you,
> 
> Gretchen Klein
> 
> _CEO and founder of Dawn of Eve Publications_

Chat: **yawn of eve** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah>

> Fatin: [screenshot.png]
> 
> Fatin: I can see the stick in her ass from outer space.
> 
> Dot: @toni
> 
> Toni: Fuck off, it wasn’t me
> 
> Rachel: You ate a whole chicken.
> 
> Toni: Yeah, politely. Leave no traces.
> 
> Martha: I wish you wouldn’t Toni.
> 
> Nora: Chickens aren’t endangered, there are actually more chickens on Earth than people.
> 
> Martha: They’re still cute.
> 
> Fatin: Someone should leave a shit on her desk or something
> 
> Fatin: Just to take a stand
> 
> Toni: I’ll do it

Chat: **Works Girls!!** <Fatin, Dorothy, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah, Jeanette>

> Jeanette: Hi guys!! Just wanted to check that we’ve all seen Gretchen’s latest email! Let’s work together to try and prevent this from happening again to create a better work environment!!
> 
> _read by all, 23:45_

**From** : Gretchen Klein

 **To** : Human Resources <Alex Blakitson, Susan Huang, Thom Witkowski>  
Design Department <Fatin Jadmani, Dorothy Campbell, Martha Blackburn, Rachel Reid, Shelby Goodkind, Nora Reid, Toni Shalifoe, Leah Rilke, Jeanette Dao>

> Dear all,
> 
> I have just sent out everyone’s weekly meetings spreadsheet. Please make sure you are constantly updated on them, and email me if you have any questions.
> 
> Gretchen Klein
> 
> _CEO and founder of Dawn of Eve Publications_

**To** : Gretchen Klein

 **From** : Martha Blackburn

> Hi Gretchen,
> 
> I was just wondering, on the spreadsheets, if the 3-hour seminar on women in leadership scheduled on Thursday afternoon was a misprint? And mandatory?

**To:** Martha Blackburn

 **From** : Gretchen Klein

> Not a misprint. See you there.
> 
> Gretchen Klein
> 
> _CEO and founder of Dawn of Eve Publications_

Chat: **yawn of eve** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah>

> Martha: It’s mandatory. And not a misspelling.
> 
> Dot: fuck me
> 
> Fatin: Time and place babes ;)
> 
> Shelby: Can we not?
> 
> Fatin: soz
> 
> Toni: Is there a problem, Shelby?
> 
> Shelby: I just don’t think it’s appropriate for a work chat.
> 
> Toni: You’re welcome to leave.

Chat: **wtf is up with Shelby and toni** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Nora, Leah>

> Fatin: Okay, we’re definitely not making that up
> 
> Fatin: @leah
> 
> Leah: I still think you’re reading too far into things
> 
> Leah: They hate each other. So what.
> 
> Nora: Rachel and Leah hate each other and we don’t have a groupchat for that
> 
> Rachel: shut the fuck up nora
> 
> Nora: Just saying
> 
> Dot: I know Shelby’s really religious
> 
> Martha: Do you think she’s homophobic?
> 
> Dot: didn’t say that
> 
> Martha: I liked Shelby
> 
> Dot: she might not be
> 
> Fatin: I smell UST
> 
> Leah: Yeah, I’m sure you do
> 
> Fatin: what r u implying leez ;PPPPP
> 
> Nora: I think you mixed up UTI and UST.
> 
> Nora: UST means unresolved sexual tension Leah.
> 
> Fatin: HAHAHAHA
> 
> Fatin: I’d be hurt if u got it RIGHT bitch hahahaha
> 
> Fatin: but leezy-peez i'm down for UST or a UTI from u anyday babygirl
> 
> Dot: Are we sure Fatin’s not the gay one here

Chat: **yawn of eve** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah>

> Dot: Is anyone actually going to the women in leadership seminar?
> 
> Martha: It’s compulsory
> 
> Toni: Can I use my jury duty as an excuse
> 
> Martha: That’s next week
> 
> Toni: Would she believe me if I said I needed the week to plan
> 
> Nora: You can’t plan for jury duty. That’s the whole point of jury duty.
> 
> Dot: I say if we all don’t go then she can’t get mad
> 
> Dot: We can say we all got the same bug
> 
> Fatin: Mad cow disease?
> 
> Nora: That’s only present in cows Fatin
> 
> Fatin: perf for Leah then ;)
> 
> Leah: 🖕
> 
> Rachel: What if we all say we all drank from the water fountain and all got infected with something?
> 
> Toni: Yeah but are we sure that’s plausible
> 
> Toni: Don’t know if Shelby would put her mouth near anything a girl’s mouth has been
> 
> Shelby: Stop it Toni.
> 
> Shelby: I’m going
> 
> Fatin: boooo girl don’t be a sourpuss
> 
> Fatin: it’s 3 hours!! Pretty sure prolonged exposure that long to Gretchen will actually get you infected
> 
> Shelby: The Bible says to honour those in a position of authority Fatin
> 
> Toni: I’m sure it does
> 
> Shelby: What’s that supposed to mean
> 
> Toni: Nothing
> 
> Leah: Can you guys do this elsewhere please
> 
> Dot: Would you rather they do it out in public like you and Rachel?
> 
> Leah: Me and Rachel do not fight that much
> 
> Nora: Statistically you fight one point eight times a day.
> 
> Leah: wtf Nora
> 
> Shelby: We’re not fighting. Toni’s just being incorrigible.
> 
> Fatin: I’ll be real, i have no idea what that means
> 
> Shelby: I’m going. That’s that.
> 
> Fatin: ur funeral
> 
> Dot: At least you’ll have Jeanette to keep you company
> 
> Shelby: Oh no
> 
> Fatin: *and in that moment she knew she’d fucked up*

Chat: **Works Girls!!** <Fatin, Dorothy, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah, Jeanette>

> Jeanette: Hi girls! Who else is excited for the seminar tonight? Can’t wait! xx
> 
> _read by all, 11:56_

**From** : Gretchen Klein

 **To** : Design Department <Fatin Jadmani, Dorothy Campbell, Martha Blackburn, Rachel Reid, Shelby Goodkind, Nora Reid, Toni Shalifoe, Leah Rilke, Jeanette Dao>

> Dear all,
> 
> I was very disappointed by the turnout at yesterday’s women in leadership seminar. I thought I made it very clear in the spreadsheet that it was mandatory. Thank you to Jeanette for showing up.
> 
> This is a poor reflection on the design department as a whole. Our ethos as a department is all about uplifting women, hence the reason there is not a man amidst you except for Thom and Alex in HR. It was incredibly disappointing to find that clearly none of you respect that ethos enough to show up.
> 
> As a result, I will be holding it again next week Thursday, and attendance this time is compulsory. Also as retribution I will not restocking the doughnuts in the kitchen.
> 
> Gretchen Klein
> 
> _CEO and founder of Dawn of Eve Publications_

Chat: **yawn of eve** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah>

> Dot: [screenshot3.png]
> 
> Dot: look who didn’t end up going @Shelby
> 
> Shelby: even I couldn’t do 3 hours with jeanette
> 
> Dot: Honestly surprised that was your breaking point
> 
> Dot: 3 hours doing anything is too much for me
> 
> Nora: Have you considered you might have ADHD dot?
> 
> Martha: She says we have to go again now though
> 
> Fatin: who wants to join me on a plane out of the country Wednesday evening?
> 
> Rachel: I will
> 
> Fatin: My Leah repellent, excellent
> 
> Leah: jfc fatin
> 
> Fatin: 😘

**From** : Martha Blackburn

 **To** : Nora Reid, Shelby Goodkind

> Hi Nora and Shelby,
> 
> I’m sure you’ve all seen on Gretchen’s spreadsheet that our suggestions for the cover redesign are due next Friday. I think it would beneficial for us all to meet at some point before then to discuss what we are going to do and start drafting. Would Monday work for you both?
> 
> Thanks guys!
> 
> Martha xx

**From** : Toni Shalifoe

 **To** : Human Resources <Alex Blakitson, Susan Huang, Thom Witkowski>

> [attached: _request for leave of absence form for Wednesday 13 th March due to jury duty_]

Chat: **wtf is up with Shelby and toni** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Nora, Leah>

> Fatin: ABSHSHSAJJJ
> 
> Fatin: GUSY
> 
> Fatin: RED ALERT YALL
> 
> Dot: you saying yall feels like cultural appropriation
> 
> Martha: What is it fatin?
> 
> Nora: If you’re having a seizure you should lie in the recovery position.
> 
> Fatin: NOT A SEIZURE
> 
> Rachel: To Leah – if you’re going to be reading this during work hours can you put your phone on silent? some people are trying to work
> 
> Dot: don’t yall sit at the same desk, can’t u just talk to each other
> 
> Fatin: im BY THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW
> 
> Fatin: GUESS WHO IS IN THERE
> 
> Nora: Statistically it could be anyone because we all identity as female here
> 
> Farin: TONI AND SHELBY
> 
> Leah: My notifications can’t be any louder than your typing Rachel
> 
> Rachel: What are you implying
> 
> Fatin: GUYS
> 
> Fatin: MY NEWS
> 
> Fatin: WHY DOES NO ONE CARE
> 
> Martha: I care
> 
> Fatin: OK WELL THEN EVERYONE STFU
> 
> Dot: fatin if you’re gonna tell everyone to shut up that is generally proceeded by you talking instead
> 
> Leah: so fucking dramatic, i bet it’s nothing
> 
> Nora: Maybe Fatin is trying to gain a theatrical aspect by leaving us waiting
> 
> Nora: I believe this technique is known as a cliffhanger
> 
> Fatin: i resent the accusation that im not fucking dramatic leah, i certainly HOPE i am
> 
> Dot: She appears
> 
> Dot: what happened?
> 
> Fatin: ok you guys
> 
> Fatin: u won’t believe what just occurred
> 
> Fatin: so i’m just standing outside on a smoke break, by the back door underneath the window by the bathroom, when I hear toni and Shelby come in
> 
> Fatin: and they’re both whispering and obviously trying to stay undercover and i hear toni check all the cubicles so they’re alone
> 
> Fatin: AND THEN
> 
> Fatin: GET THIS
> 
> Fatin: toni goes, Shelby, we need to talk about this
> 
> Fatin: Shelby is like, no we don’t
> 
> Martha: talk about what??
> 
> Fatin: RIGHT
> 
> Fatin: Toni’s voice goes like really soft, and she’s like, you know I won’t tell anyone, right? like i swear to u i’ve never heard this bitch like this, I didn’t think she was capable of it
> 
> Fatin: Shelby goes, no, i know, i’m just really confused, and I think she might have been crying? I don’t know
> 
> Fatin: And the door opens and fuckin LEAH walks in so i don’t hear anymore
> 
> Dot: way to go Leah
> 
> Leah: I didn’t know!
> 
> Martha: What do you think that means? Talk about what?
> 
> Nora: Maybe Shelby is having a religious crisis
> 
> Fatin: and go to toni about it? yeah right
> 
> Fatin: I bet they hooked up
> 
> Dot: Isn’t Shelby homophobic?
> 
> Martha: I thought you said she wasn’t
> 
> Dot: I just assumed
> 
> Martha: I don’t think Shelby’s gay. Or Toni’s type
> 
> Martha: Toni’s last girlfriend had dark hair
> 
> Fatin: So?
> 
> Fatin: From my experience blondes are way more fun
> 
> Fatin: Leah, back me up, isn’t your boyfriend blond as well? No wait sorry – i mistook the grey hair for blond
> 
> Leah: Shut up Fatin
> 
> Leah: Jefferey’s only a few years older
> 
> Fatin: surrre
> 
> Fatin: well at least we can change the name of the chat finally

_Fatin has changed the name to **Shelby and toni getting down and dirrrtay**._

> Martha: It can’t be called that, what if Toni sees it in my phone?
> 
> Fatin: Say it’s a different toni
> 
> Martha: It has no room for deniable plausibility Fatin

_Martha has changed the name to **the hookup theory**._

> Fatin: fine if you must ruin ALL my fun

**From** : Gretchen Klein

 **To** : Human Resources <Alex Blakitson, Susan Huang, Thom Witkowski>  
Design Department <Fatin Jadmani, Dorothy Campbell, Martha Blackburn, Rachel Reid, Shelby Goodkind, Nora Reid, Toni Shalifoe, Leah Rilke, Jeanette Dao>

> Happy Monday everyone,
> 
> As always, I have sent out the weekly meetings spreadsheets. Please pay careful attention to the seminar booked for Thursday evening. Attendance is mandatory. Anything short of near death is not a good enough excuse.
> 
> Gretchen Klein
> 
> _CEO and founder of Dawn of Eve Publications_

**Notes from the cover redesign meeting, Monday 11 th March**

  * Spring colours – pinks, greens, yellow
  * Easter theme? Rabbits, bunnies, eggs ~~~~
  * ~~Secularisation has taken over, Nora you don’t have to write that down, don’t write everything I sa~~
  * Narrowed down to 3 models – check with Gretchen ~~~~
  * Is _Spring Has Sprung_ too overused? Martha says no, Shelby and Nora say yes ~~~~
  * Ethics of getting a lamb in for the photoshoot?
  * Shelby to run out on Wednesday for props



Chat: **Works Girls!!** <Fatin, Dorothy, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah, Jeanette>

> Jeanette: Hi everyone! As you might know, it’s Thom from HR’s birthday on Wednesday! I bought a card, it would be super nice we could all sign it!
> 
> Martha: I’ll pick it up from your desk Jeanette.
> 
> Jeanette: Amazing, Martha! It would also be nice if one of you could bring in a cake or something.
> 
> Leah: I know Fatin has gotten into baking recently @Fatin
> 
> Jeanette: That’s so nice Fatin!
> 
> Fatin: yeah, I can make something.

Chat: **Leah, Fatin**

> Fatin: die bitch
> 
> Leah: xx

Chat: **the hookup theory** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Nora, Leah>

> Dot: ok we’re all in agreement that today’s morning debrief was hella weird, right
> 
> Rachel: I didn’t think so
> 
> Rachel: I thought it allowed for more productivity that we didn’t have anyone snapping at each other
> 
> Nora: You spent the whole meeting drawing Leah’s face onto a babirusa
> 
> Rachel: stfu nora!!!!!!!
> 
> Dot: what the fuck is a babirusa
> 
> Nora: it’s a subspecies of swine known also a deer-pig
> 
> Leah: fuck you Rachel
> 
> Fatin: can i see
> 
> Rachel: it wasn’t a babirusa it was just a regular pig
> 
> Nora: You gave it horns, which means it’s a babirusa
> 
> Rachel: those were devil horns

_Leah has left **the hookup theory**._

> Dot: Martha can u do recon
> 
> Martha: Why do I always have to do recon
> 
> Dot: Because you’re the nicest
> 
> Fatin: ok hello?? back on topic??
> 
> Fatin: Shelby and Toni were actually civil today?
> 
> Dot: yeah because they refused to even look at each other
> 
> Fatin: I’m still on team drunken hook-up
> 
> Martha: It was pretty awkward I’ll admit
> 
> Martha: I tried to ask Toni about it but she was really evasive
> 
> Fatin: do they really think they’re being subtle
> 
> Fatin: you could have cut that tension with a KNIFE

Chat: **yawn of eve** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah>

> Martha: Has everyone signed Thom’s card?
> 
> Dot: When does it need to be done by
> 
> Martha: Tomorrow, that’s his birthday
> 
> Leah: hope you have fun baking tonight fatin
> 
> Fatin: 🖕🖕🖕
> 
> Toni: I feel like putting fatin in charge of food is an occupational hazard waiting to happen
> 
> Fatin: I’ll be the one laughing when you all have food poisoning
> 
> Martha: I’m sure it’ll be great Fatin
> 
> Fatin: Do I have to decorate it too
> 
> Leah: Well you’re not bringing in a plain cake
> 
> Fatin: ugggghhhhhhh
> 
> Rachel: I haven’t signed the card yet
> 
> Martha: Who has it?
> 
> Shelby: I do Rachel, I’ll give it to you during lunch
> 
> Rachel: I’m meeting my mom for lunch, can you give it to Toni to leave on my desk
> 
> Toni: What about Leah
> 
> Nora: Leah and Rachel aren’t currently speaking
> 
> Leah: shut up nora
> 
> Rachel: don’t tell her to shut up
> 
> Shelby: that should be fine Toni
> 
> Toni: are you sure?
> 
> Shelby: yeah of course
> 
> Fatin: i have no fucking idea how to bake a cake
> 
> Fatin: can’t jeanette do it
> 
> Martha: Jeanette bought the card and the streamers
> 
> Fatin: who the fuck eats cake on their birthday
> 
> Dot: most of the western world
> 
> Martha: I can send you a recipe Fatin, it’s super easy and only needs a few ingredients
> 
> Toni: thank jesus i won’t be here tomorrow to get poisoned
> 
> Fatin: 🖕🖕🖕
> 
> Fatin: just for that
> 
> Fatin: I’ll make it the best fucking cake ever
> 
> Fatin: then you’ll be sorry

**To** : Human Resources <Alex Blakitson, Susan Huang, Thom Witkowski>  
Design Department <Fatin Jadmani, Dorothy Campbell, Martha Blackburn, Rachel Reid, Shelby Goodkind, Nora Reid, Toni Shalifoe, Leah Rilke, Jeanette Dao>

> Dear all,
> 
> A reminder that today is Thom’s birthday! Happy birthday Thom!
> 
> Thom, please check your inbox. I have sent you a virtual happy birthday card.
> 
> Gretchen Klein
> 
> _CEO and founder of Dawn of Eve Publications_

Chat: **Works Girls!!** <Fatin, Dorothy, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah, Jeanette>

> Jeanette: Hi guys! Amazing job on the party guys! I think Thom really enjoyed himself, and Gretchen definitely liked it too. Also amazing cake @Fatin!
> 
> _read by all, 22:58_

Chat: **yawn of eve** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah>

> Shelby: Hey guys, where are yall? The office is virtually empty.
> 
> Dot: i’ve been throwing up all night, i don’t know if can come in
> 
> Leah: me too
> 
> Rachel: and me
> 
> Shelby: Guys you can’t all pretend to be sick, Gretchen will see right through that
> 
> Dot: I don’t know about the rest of yall but im not pretending
> 
> Nora: I too have been experiencing vomiting and nausea
> 
> Nora: I believe they are symptoms of food poisoning
> 
> Leah: are you fucking kidding me
> 
> Fatin: sooooooo about that
> 
> Dot: FATIN
> 
> Fatin: my milk may have been slightly out of date
> 
> Dot: by how much
> 
> Fatin: 2 weeks
> 
> Dot: TWO WEEKS
> 
> Dot: ARE U FUCKING KIDDING ME
> 
> Shelby: Has the whole office been infected?
> 
> Nora: Everyone who ate cake
> 
> Nora: which is all of us
> 
> Rachel: fatin the next time I’m seeing you you’re dead
> 
> Fatin: this is leah’s fault
> 
> Leah: HOW
> 
> Fatin: You’re the one that made me bake a cake!
> 
> Leah: I DIDN’T KNOW U WOULD FUCKING POISON IT
> 
> Martha: I should have just made it
> 
> Nora: It should pass in around 48 hours
> 
> Leah: @shelby how did you not get infected?
> 
> Shelby: I was out buying props for the cover redesign meeting with Gretchen
> 
> Leah: lucky fucking bitch
> 
> Fatin: ok there are upsides
> 
> Fatin: one, we don’t have to go to the women in leadership seminar
> 
> Shelby: Guys you’re joking
> 
> Shelby: I have to go by myself??
> 
> Dot: is Gretchen even there
> 
> Rachel: Do you really think Gretchen is the kind to eat cake
> 
> Dot: fair
> 
> Shelby: Guys!!
> 
> Fatin: at least jeanette’s not there too
> 
> Fatin: poor bitch she took the leftovers home
> 
> Toni: I just checked my phone, what’s going on?
> 
> Martha: Toni are you ok??
> 
> Toni: Yeah I’m fine
> 
> Martha: You’re not sick?
> 
> Toni: ?? Should I be?
> 
> Toni: Holy shit I just read the messages u guys all have food poisoning?? Thank jesus I missed yesterday

Chat: **the hookup theory** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Nora, Leah>

> Martha: Guys
> 
> Martha: I just realised
> 
> Martha: Shelby and Toni are the only ones who aren’t ill because Shelby missed lunch and Toni was off work doing her jury duty
> 
> Martha: That means they’re going to be the only ones in the office today
> 
> Fatin: Holy fuck
> 
> Fatin: Did I just matchmake them?
> 
> Dot: You are NOT taking credit for this
> 
> Fatin: bitch I’ll take all the credit I’ll like
> 
> Martha: Maybe they’ll talk it out!
> 
> Fatin: yeah and we won’t be there to listen!
> 
> Nora: That’ll probably be for the best, people feel most comfortable when they don’t have an audience
> 
> Leah: that means they’re going to attend Gretchen’s seminar together
> 
> Leah: If that fucking thing is the reason they get together i s2g
> 
> Fatin: Martha you’re on Toni duty
> 
> Fatin: use the fact that u r sick and ailing to get all the gossip you can
> 
> Martha: deal
> 
> Dot: I like this side of Martha
> 
> Martha: I’m invested now too
> 
> Martha: Yesterday evening she came over after jury duty and I’m pretty sure she had a hickey
> 
> Fatin: !!!!!!!!! AND U DIDN’T TELL US????
> 
> Martha: It looked old
> 
> Fatin: so!!!!! that means they definitely hooked up at some point!!!!
> 
> Dot: you think Bible thumping Shelby is the kind to leave hickeys?
> 
> Fatin: I’m not about to question hidden depths
> 
> Rachel: ok even i’m excited now but can we stop texting? looking at my phone is giving me a headache
> 
> Fatin: fine
> 
> Fatin: martha u give us ANY updates
> 
> Martha: 👍

Chat: **yawn of eve** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah>

> Shelby: Do yall want us to take notes for you at the seminar?
> 
> Fatin: Kind of you Shelby but i think i speak for all of us when i say no
> 
> Rachel: i wouldn’t mind notes
> 
> Fatin: yes she would
> 
> Shelby: ??
> 
> Toni: Shelby where are you? I’m waiting by the doors
> 
> Shelby: I’m coming

Chat: **the hookup theory** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Nora, Leah>

> Rachel: ok why can’t I have notes now
> 
> Fatin: uhh because we want them to spend the seminar focused on each other?
> 
> Rachel: has it ever occurred that maybe you’re overthinking this
> 
> Fatin: Of course we’re overthinking this Rachel, this is the most exciting thing that’s happened around here
> 
> Fatin: what do we think they’re doing in there
> 
> Nora: Due to the fact that it’s a seminar I’m assuming probably listening
> 
> Nora: Although due to fact that Gretchen is also the one conducting it I’m sure she is prefacing with a twenty minute talk about the benefits of a matriarchy
> 
> Fatin: that’s good
> 
> Fatin: gets them both hot and bothered
> 
> Dot: why the fuck would it get them hot and bothered
> 
> Fatin: because they’re both attracted to women?? duh
> 
> Fatin: women ruling the world? pretty sure toni has already had an orgasm
> 
> Leah: wtf
> 
> Dot: I think we should put a ten second handicap on every text you send so you can really think about what you’re about to say
> 
> Martha: We don’t know for sure that Shelby likes women
> 
> Martha: maybe she just likes toni
> 
> Rachel: or maybe we’re overthinking this

_Fatin has removed Rachel from **the hookup theory**._

> Fatin: enough negativity
> 
> Fatin: get the popcorn ready ladies
> 
> Fatin: things are just beginning to spice up

**From** : Gretchen Klein

 **To** : Design Department <Fatin Jadmani, Dorothy Campbell, Martha Blackburn, Rachel Reid, Shelby Goodkind, Nora Reid, Toni Shalifoe, Leah Rilke, Jeanette Dao>

> Happy Friday all.
> 
> I hope you are all feeling better. I was notified that many of you experienced adverse reactions to the cake that was brought in for Thom’s birthday. For this reason we will no longer be bringing in baked goods unless they are store-bought.
> 
> I must admit we can take a learning experience from this: that women should not be restricted to just the kitchen. That we are more than housewives who are expected to bake. That for some of us, we have bigger dreams and ambitions than humble cooking skills. Just food for thought for you all to dwell on today
> 
> Due to the fact so many of you were absent yesterday, I recorded the seminar and have emailed it to all of you. I’d like to watch it over the weekend and be ready to share your thoughts on Monday during our morning debrief.
> 
> Thank you,
> 
> Gretchen Klein
> 
> _CEO and founder of Dawn of Eve Publications_

Chat: **yawn of eve** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah>

> Fatin: [screenshot.png]
> 
> Fatin: hear that ladies? I am a symbol of feminism
> 
> Rachel: you are a war crime
> 
> Dot: Does Gretchen ever read over her emails before she sends them out
> 
> Fatin: I for one feel very encouraged as a woman
> 
> Leah: Please no one reinforce fatin anymore than necessary
> 
> Rachel: do we actually have to watch the seminar?
> 
> Rachel: Shelby and toni can you just summarise
> 
> Dot: I’m getting high school flashbacks of copying homework
> 
> Fatin: you copied homework?
> 
> Dot: you think I did my own homework
> 
> Toni: I can’t remember a lot of it
> 
> Shelby: Me either
> 
> Shelby: Must have forgotten it last night
> 
> Rachel: you are so useless
> 
> Nora: We can each watch 20 minutes of it and then feed back to each other, that way we don’t have to sit through all three hours
> 
> Leah: that’s smart
> 
> Leah: i’ll take the 20 minutes she spoke about the matriarchy at the beginning
> 
> Fatin: fuuuuck i wanted that
> 
> Martha: I can divvy up the video and allocate times if you want! We can use a random number generator to make it fair
> 
> Rachel: I guess

Chat: **Martha, Toni**

> Martha: How was last night? Did you two get on ok?
> 
> Martha: I know you’ve had your problems in the past
> 
> Toni: no it was all good
> 
> Toni: we sorted everything out

Chat: **the hookup theory** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Nora, Leah>

> Nora: I am not normally one for initiating conversation in this chat
> 
> Nora: However I feel like you would all benefit if you skipped to 01:46:56 of the seminar
> 
> Fatin: no nora we won’t do your watching for you, fair’s fair
> 
> Dot: She’s literally doing yours for you
> 
> Fatin: ok what’s your point dot
> 
> Leah: oh my fucking god
> 
> Leah: guys
> 
> Leah: [screenrecording.mp4]
> 
> Rachel: what the fuck
> 
> Rachel: is that
> 
> Dot: oh my GOD
> 
> Fatin: what?
> 
> Dot: watch the fucking video fatin
> 
> Fatin: OH MY FYKING GOD
> 
> Fatin: OH MY GOD
> 
> Fatin: IS THAT
> 
> Nora: I do believe that is Shelby and Toni making out in the back row, yes
> 
> Fatin: HLY FUCKIGN SHIT
> 
> Fatin: OMG MOMG OMG
> 
> Martha: Toni didn’t mention a THING!!
> 
> Fatin: OH MY FUCKING HPD
> 
> Fatin: i need to say something
> 
> Dot: you most certainly DO NOT
> 
> Dot: GET OUT THE MAIN GC FATIN

Chat: **yawn of eve** <Fatin, Dot, Martha, Rachel, Shelby, Nora, Toni, Leah>

> Fatin: so
> 
> Dot: fatin no
> 
> Fatin: Fatin yes
> 
> Fatin: toni and Shelby
> 
> Toni: what’s up
> 
> Fatin: any recent developments in your life perhaps
> 
> Fatin: that you feel your colleagues would be interested in knowing
> 
> Fatin: like off the top of my head, i don’t know
> 
> Nora: There is an uninterrupted seventeen minutes thirty-four seconds of you both making out in Gretchen’s seminar
> 
> Fatin: any romantic developments
> 
> Fatin: oh fuck off nora i was trying to be subtle
> 
> Nora: I don’t think it was working
> 
> Toni: uhhhhhhhhh
> 
> Shelby: we’re dating
> 
> Fatin: YOU ARE??
> 
> Toni: we are?
> 
> Shelby: I know we didn’t really talk about it
> 
> Shelby: But it’s what I want. If you do to.
> 
> Toni: You do?
> 
> Shelby: I want anything I can get with you
> 
> Fatin: omfg
> 
> Shelby: I... forgot we were in the public groupchat
> 
> Fatin: OMFG
> 
> Rachel: can u at least pretend to be normal
> 
> Martha: Guys!!! I’m so happy for you!!
> 
> Leah: Thank god, I thought we were all going to choke from the sexual tension coming off you
> 
> Fatin: use ur new vocab leah, don’t be shy
> 
> Leah: the UST
> 
> Fatin: atta girl
> 
> Nora: Going by patterns, the next groupchat that will be formed is one resolving whatever is going on between Rachel and Leah
> 
> Rachel: fucking what
> 
> Leah: hell no
> 
> Shelby: group chat?

**From** : Gretchen Klein

 **To** : Human Resources <Alex Blakitson, Susan Huang, Thom Witkowski>  
Design Department <Fatin Jadmani, Dorothy Campbell, Martha Blackburn, Rachel Reid, Shelby Goodkind, Nora Reid, Toni Shalifoe, Leah Rilke, Jeanette Dao>

> Happy Monday all,
> 
> I have sent out the weekly spreadsheets for meetings, please check accordingly and make sure you are on time to all of them. I have also moved the morning debrief this afternoon to give us more time to discuss the seminar.
> 
> I hope those of you who still felt ill on Friday are able to come in today. As always, please clean up after yourselves. There was vomit in the recycling bin last Friday, which is simply unacceptable. Learn to do better, please.
> 
> Also another notice: while we, as an office, celebrate inclusivity of all kinds, including LGBTQ+, please refrain from doing anything inappropriate in office spaces, and keep it out of the workplace – especially the props cupboard.
> 
> Thank you,
> 
> Gretchen Klein
> 
> _CEO and founder of Dawn of Eve Publications_

**Author's Note:**

> this was definitely the silliest thing i've ever written but it was a lot of fun  
> (also thom, susan and alex's surnames weren't on wiki so i used the actor's surnames)
> 
> hope you enjoyed! lmk what you thought


End file.
